lauren
Esther Perel (Photo: Karen Harms)
By Lauren Bray, edhat staff
Psychotherapist and best-selling author Esther Perel led an interactive and introspective lecture at the Granada Theatre on December 4.
Hosted by UCSB Arts & Lectures and presented by Diana and Simon Raab, the theatre was nearly sold out to see the Belgian-born researcher who is fluent in nine languages speak on love, infidelity, and identity. As a former student of psychology, I must have seen every professor I ever had at this lecture.
Perel is known as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. She’s known for breaking the confines of how relationships are “supposed to be” which delights some therapists and raises the eyebrows of others.
She also has some of the most popular TED Talks ever produced with over 20 million views, a highly rated podcast titled “Where Should We Begin?” focused on couples counseling, and she’s working on a new podcast titled “How’s Work?” specializing in workplace dynamics. Her book “Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence” is an international bestseller translated into 25 languages and her most recent book “The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity” is a New York Times bestseller.
Perel began her lecture by giving a quick introduction into her work and then jumping right in. There’s something that we can all relate to, something that connects us, it’s love, said Perel.
She immediately asked the audience to provide topics, phrases, or ask questions that interest them to which she expounded her knowledge on said topic as a sort of oracle of love. One person shouted polygamy, another infidelity, another pornography, and one asked when they should leave a marriage. The later prompted her to ask, “are you leaving because you’re unhappy or because you think you could be happier?”
“The survival of the family depends on the happiness of the couple,” said Perel. She urged the audience to bring back a sense of community and realism, to create a space to listen deeply to others. “The quality of relationships determine the quality of our lives,” she stated while explaining the bonds we create with other people give us the most joy when it’s good.
The theatre transformed into a warm hug. It felt like at any moment someone could openly spill their feelings and the entire room would help process and comfort. This was also one of the most polite audiences I’ve ever encountered, although it’d be pretty difficult to be rude at an event where the speaker is an expert on how to relate to one another better.
One person asked about soulmates and Perel almost delighted in crushing that notion. She explained that today we’re looking to one person to give us everything an entire village, or a religion, would give us. Our partners are now expected to be our best friends, our lovers, our confidants, our identity, our spontaneous adventure and our stable home all in one. How can one person provide all of that?
She quoted Erich Fromm by stating love is not a feeling, it’s a practice. She continued by saying there are love stories and there are life stories. When you pick a partner, you pick a story.
Perel almost went over her allotted time and quickly wrapped up her lecture to thunderous applause. She left everyone with nuggets of information to take home as I heard many attendees discussing their favorite quotes or elements of the lecture. Perel said her goal is to help people feel understood and less alone, she achieved that this evening.
More information about Esther Perel can be found here.
